Well, it wasn't a TOTAL bust. I did okay. Not as well as I would have liked, but not as bad as I was afraid I would. The days after Thanksgiving were the real horrorshow.
I'm not sure if I should weigh myself... I'm also about to start my period, so I'll be retaining water... Maybe I should so I'll feel better when I lose the water weight next week?
Heh.
Small comforts.
I'd like to know how much damage this weekend did, but I don't want to freak myself out with a weight that reflects damage + water gain.
Hmmm...
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Steeling Myself
So the Thanksgiving Plan had to be revised. If I'm going to be getting my ass up on stage next month, I can't afford to have a binge day like that. I can't believe I was even planning to do that. What was I thinking? I feel gross just thinking about it. On the up-side, I find that if I give myself permission to do something like that, I usually swing the other way when the time comes & don't go off the deep end & binge.
Regardless, I'm still revoking my permission.
It's going to be a huge extravaganza, but I'm going to do my best. Maybe just try for one spoonful of everything I like & hopefully that will work...
Best of luck to me & everyone!!
Regardless, I'm still revoking my permission.
It's going to be a huge extravaganza, but I'm going to do my best. Maybe just try for one spoonful of everything I like & hopefully that will work...
Best of luck to me & everyone!!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
186!
I was so discouraged yesterday when I weighed myself and I handn't lost an ounce! Then I remembered that I hadn't had a bowl movement in two days... so... I thought maybe that had just a bit to do with it. I took some fiber yesterday & was about to pull out the laxatives when... well... you know, it was resolved...
So! 2 pounds lost! Only 1 pound before goal weight #1! Only 6 pounds before I'm allowing myself to try on old pants that I haven't worn in a year! I feel very encouraged!
So! 2 pounds lost! Only 1 pound before goal weight #1! Only 6 pounds before I'm allowing myself to try on old pants that I haven't worn in a year! I feel very encouraged!
One Hundred Pushups
I'm always looking for simple exercises that tone the whole body. Pushups are one of those exercises, but I can't do very many - at least not with good form. A friend of mine told me about One Hundred Pushups. I'm going to give it a try, see if I can't work up to 100 pushups a day!
So far so good...
Well, I did great yesterday! The only thing I added was about half a cup of beans & rice, partly because bf was curious, and partly because I felt like I needed some protein. I also worked out twice. :)
Also, I started reading Fat Flush & discovered something interesting already! In the first 4 weeks of me trying to lose weight, I lost 13 lbs. In the last 2, I've lost 1.5. I was so confused...disheartened...depressed... I expected it to taper off at some point, but not so soon, and I wasn't eating so differently that it should stop. Well, one of the things she touches on in her first chapter is the important role of fats in weight loss (EFAs, to be specific). Then she says that flax oil is the best for weight loss. Guess what? I was eating ground flax for those first 4 weeks & then I ran out. So I ate some this morning! It's going to up my caloric intake, but it'll be worth it.
She says that flax oil activates BAT (brown andipose tissue). BAT is the brown fat that protects your organs & spine. When it is activated, it burns fat like no exercise can. I remember reading an article a few months ago about how extreme cold activates BAT, and wondering how I could achieve that without freezing to death! Now I know!
Also, I started reading Fat Flush & discovered something interesting already! In the first 4 weeks of me trying to lose weight, I lost 13 lbs. In the last 2, I've lost 1.5. I was so confused...disheartened...depressed... I expected it to taper off at some point, but not so soon, and I wasn't eating so differently that it should stop. Well, one of the things she touches on in her first chapter is the important role of fats in weight loss (EFAs, to be specific). Then she says that flax oil is the best for weight loss. Guess what? I was eating ground flax for those first 4 weeks & then I ran out. So I ate some this morning! It's going to up my caloric intake, but it'll be worth it.
She says that flax oil activates BAT (brown andipose tissue). BAT is the brown fat that protects your organs & spine. When it is activated, it burns fat like no exercise can. I remember reading an article a few months ago about how extreme cold activates BAT, and wondering how I could achieve that without freezing to death! Now I know!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Fat Flush Plan
I bought a book called Fat Flush Plan, by Ann Louise Gittleman. I'm pretty leery of over-hyped 'miracle' diets & the latest fad in weight loss. This book is marketed as a weight loss plan, but I've heard from the holistic health community that it's actually one of the best liver cleanses out there. Your liver is one of the main processors of fat, so it stands to reason that a liver cleanse would help immensely with weight loss. I might have to wait a couple of weeks before I can read this. It's the end of the term, and I don't want to fall behind. I'll post my thoughts as I read it!
ADDENDUM: Well, I was just invited to perform burlesque & belly dance with my old burlesque troupe. One of the reasons I quit was because I wanted to barf every time I saw a picture of myself naked. I said yes because I love to perform. OMG. How much weight can I possibly lose by Dec 10th??? I'll be starting this detox on Saturday.
The Thanksgiving Plan
I did really well at dinner last night. I had a headache, so I didn't even have the wine. I ate until I wasn't hungry anymore - about 1/3 of my plate. I chose the smallest piece of baklava available, and had a little black coffee. Win for Jane!
So. Thanksgiving. I've already decided that I'm not going to worry about what I eat that day. I'm not going to stuff myself, and I'm not going to watch the calorie count of what goes in. I will eat tiny amounts of anything that looks delicious. We're having a mostly vegan Thanksgiving, so most everything will be fair game.
This week, however, I'm cutting the calories to a bare minimum in order to let Thursday be my 'high' calorie day. (more like OMGthroughtheroof calorie day... but I'm not worrying about that, remember?!)
First of all, I'll be drinking these every day. 60 calories for the whole bottle, and believe me, you cannot guzzle kombucha. Just try it. You will die a fizzy death. I will also eat an apple every day, and as much celery as I want. For dinner, I will have a salad with minimal dressing, and celery if I get the munchies. That will keep me around 300 each day (depending on how much celery I eat. 10 calories a stalk... but I kind of think the calories in celery balances out with the energy required to digest it.) I will also work out twice every day, and take fiber.
After Thanksgiving, I'll probably spend one day nibbling on leftovers (but keeping track & keeping the calories down) & then get back to the above plan for the weekend.
Go team!
So. Thanksgiving. I've already decided that I'm not going to worry about what I eat that day. I'm not going to stuff myself, and I'm not going to watch the calorie count of what goes in. I will eat tiny amounts of anything that looks delicious. We're having a mostly vegan Thanksgiving, so most everything will be fair game.
This week, however, I'm cutting the calories to a bare minimum in order to let Thursday be my 'high' calorie day. (more like OMGthroughtheroof calorie day... but I'm not worrying about that, remember?!)
First of all, I'll be drinking these every day. 60 calories for the whole bottle, and believe me, you cannot guzzle kombucha. Just try it. You will die a fizzy death. I will also eat an apple every day, and as much celery as I want. For dinner, I will have a salad with minimal dressing, and celery if I get the munchies. That will keep me around 300 each day (depending on how much celery I eat. 10 calories a stalk... but I kind of think the calories in celery balances out with the energy required to digest it.) I will also work out twice every day, and take fiber. After Thanksgiving, I'll probably spend one day nibbling on leftovers (but keeping track & keeping the calories down) & then get back to the above plan for the weekend.
Go team!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I wish I could barf
I just ate a huge breakfast. I was supposed to fast today, so I could have dinner tonight. I wish I could barf, but I can't. I don't know what to do.
Friday, November 20, 2009
so proud
Went to lunch with co-workers. Restaurants are one of my greatest fears. I did great!
I ordered a salad and a perrier
I only ate half!
Good job!
I ordered a salad and a perrier
I only ate half!
Good job!
Must go to gym
I've only worked out once a day all week long. (not including rehearsal) I must get back into the gym, dog walking, dance conditioning habit. It is not an option. It is a requirement. Especially since there might be a furry mutiny if I don't start walking puppy.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Favorite snack du jour
Apple slices with cinnamon & clove
I can only eat 1/2 of an apple at a time, so this makes a pretty low calorie snack. Plus, cinnamon is a metabolism booster!
:)
I can only eat 1/2 of an apple at a time, so this makes a pretty low calorie snack. Plus, cinnamon is a metabolism booster!
:)
Psyching Myself Up
It's starting. The dreaded Holiday Parties.
The first one is this weekend. It's a sit-down dinner at a Mediterranean restaurant. We ordered our meals ahead of time. I picked the vegetarian option.
1) I will not eat all day
2) I will allow myself 1 glass of wine
3) I will allow myself 1/2 piece of baklava
4) I will eat my entree slowly & stop before I am full
I feel panicked, slightly breathless just thinking about it. I'm not good at controlling my eating habits once I get started. It's a lesson I need to learn, though. This is a good opportunity to do that.
Chew slowly. Set down fork after every bite. Talk a lot. You can always take it home.
omg
So much stress over one dinner... I'm half inclined to bail, but I've already paid. I feel like I already made a good choice by not getting the lamb. So... I'm already ahead of the game?
It makes me extra super nervous to go out to dinner the day before a weigh-in.
I'm hoping for 185 on Monday, but I haven't been able to work out as much because of homework & I have a show tonight.
Think positive, weight-losing thoughts for me.
The first one is this weekend. It's a sit-down dinner at a Mediterranean restaurant. We ordered our meals ahead of time. I picked the vegetarian option.
1) I will not eat all day
2) I will allow myself 1 glass of wine
3) I will allow myself 1/2 piece of baklava
4) I will eat my entree slowly & stop before I am full
I feel panicked, slightly breathless just thinking about it. I'm not good at controlling my eating habits once I get started. It's a lesson I need to learn, though. This is a good opportunity to do that.
Chew slowly. Set down fork after every bite. Talk a lot. You can always take it home.
omg
So much stress over one dinner... I'm half inclined to bail, but I've already paid. I feel like I already made a good choice by not getting the lamb. So... I'm already ahead of the game?
It makes me extra super nervous to go out to dinner the day before a weigh-in.
I'm hoping for 185 on Monday, but I haven't been able to work out as much because of homework & I have a show tonight.
Think positive, weight-losing thoughts for me.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
stalker vs. butterfly
I am battling so many demons in this process of losing weight. For a long time, I refused to try. I am a big believer in loving who you are, even if it’s not something I can achieve, and that weight is not always a measure of health. I didn’t want to be one of those girls who counted calories & was committed to their workout schedule & seemed to have their weight as the focus of their life.
The truth of the matter is that depression & emotional eating got the better of me over the years, and having lax eating habits only compounded the problem. Yeah, it’s true, I love healthy food, and I eat pretty well most of the time. But I’ve never watched my caloric intake before, never concentrated on an exercise regimen before, and those are necessary parts of undoing the weight-gain damage I’ve sustained.
The impetus for starting this was seeing the scale tip over 200 lbs. That scared the shit out of me. I used to be 130 lbs, and thought that was a pretty good weight. 70 lbs over that?!? That’s like adding a half-grown child to my body!
The other motivating factor is belly dance. Belly dance is a type of dance that requires immense core strength & stamina. It does NOT require a lean body, however. In fact, most originating countries of the style of dance that America takes belly dance from prize voluptuous women over thin ones. BUT. They type of belly dance that I find myself leaning towards is a more American style, and it is very technical. My body really just isn’t up to the task in its current form. Not that I would necessarily have to lose weight to get to that level of physical ability. I would, however need to work out more, which is how that fits into all this.
Soanyway. I still wrestle with the demons surrounding my self-acceptance every single day. I still tend toward emotional & compulsive eating. I am trying to change with every breath, but I make bad choices at every turn. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m making them. I feel like I would have chosen differently, if I had realized what I was doing. I’ll find myself finishing off fries, when I didn’t even realize I’d stopped to get some, or eating sweets that I had no intention of consuming. It’s bizarre. It’s like those people who sleep eat, and never even realize it. I think I have hypoglycemia. When my blood sugar dips, I do crazy things to bring it back up. Irrational things. French fries or brown rice? Fries every time. The healthy choices are there, but I don’t seem able to reach out for them. The bad choices find me, follow me, stalk me. Fried food is like an abusive co-dependant relationship. I love it, but I clearly don’t understand love. It damages me deep down, yet I seem unable to break the tie.
How did I develop this relationship with food? I don’t even see the path that led me here. Some people can point to habits that were cultivated or observed in their upbringing… but I can’t. Maybe I just don’t see them yet. This is all so new, only 5 weeks old. My newborn babe, my new life. Change takes time and children take nurturing. I have to keep plugging along & be consistent with my little one. She is the butterfly inside me. I know you are there, heart barely beating, eyes glued shut with layers of fat. I will set you free. I will slough off this cocoon, and watch your wings unfurl.
The truth of the matter is that depression & emotional eating got the better of me over the years, and having lax eating habits only compounded the problem. Yeah, it’s true, I love healthy food, and I eat pretty well most of the time. But I’ve never watched my caloric intake before, never concentrated on an exercise regimen before, and those are necessary parts of undoing the weight-gain damage I’ve sustained.
The impetus for starting this was seeing the scale tip over 200 lbs. That scared the shit out of me. I used to be 130 lbs, and thought that was a pretty good weight. 70 lbs over that?!? That’s like adding a half-grown child to my body!
The other motivating factor is belly dance. Belly dance is a type of dance that requires immense core strength & stamina. It does NOT require a lean body, however. In fact, most originating countries of the style of dance that America takes belly dance from prize voluptuous women over thin ones. BUT. They type of belly dance that I find myself leaning towards is a more American style, and it is very technical. My body really just isn’t up to the task in its current form. Not that I would necessarily have to lose weight to get to that level of physical ability. I would, however need to work out more, which is how that fits into all this.
Soanyway. I still wrestle with the demons surrounding my self-acceptance every single day. I still tend toward emotional & compulsive eating. I am trying to change with every breath, but I make bad choices at every turn. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m making them. I feel like I would have chosen differently, if I had realized what I was doing. I’ll find myself finishing off fries, when I didn’t even realize I’d stopped to get some, or eating sweets that I had no intention of consuming. It’s bizarre. It’s like those people who sleep eat, and never even realize it. I think I have hypoglycemia. When my blood sugar dips, I do crazy things to bring it back up. Irrational things. French fries or brown rice? Fries every time. The healthy choices are there, but I don’t seem able to reach out for them. The bad choices find me, follow me, stalk me. Fried food is like an abusive co-dependant relationship. I love it, but I clearly don’t understand love. It damages me deep down, yet I seem unable to break the tie.
How did I develop this relationship with food? I don’t even see the path that led me here. Some people can point to habits that were cultivated or observed in their upbringing… but I can’t. Maybe I just don’t see them yet. This is all so new, only 5 weeks old. My newborn babe, my new life. Change takes time and children take nurturing. I have to keep plugging along & be consistent with my little one. She is the butterfly inside me. I know you are there, heart barely beating, eyes glued shut with layers of fat. I will set you free. I will slough off this cocoon, and watch your wings unfurl.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Obese
I just used some online calculator to find my BMI. 31.3
THIRTY ONE POINT THREE
I am officially 'obese'.
omg.
THIRTY ONE POINT THREE
I am officially 'obese'.
omg.
Fasting Fail
Well, I totally blew it at dinner. After having nothing but water & coffee all day, we went out to dinner & I blew it. Shoulda stayed in.
(estimations)
Tuna (4oz) - 160
salad - 100
stuffed mushrooms - 125
corn - 65
bread - 50
baked potato - 225
Estimated @ 725
Well, at least it's under 1000 for the day, and I got a little exercise at lunch. :(
After that, I was feeling so down, I even cried. BF said "don't get an eating disorder on me now" HA! Very funny! It's emotional and compulsive eating disorders that got me here in the first place!!
Then I read PrettyWreck's blog. It reminded me that, in the last 5 weeks, I've lost 14lbs. I am making progress. I will not give up. I will reach my goals. I will succeed.
I will pick myself back up every time I fall & never turn my back on my goal.
(estimations)
Tuna (4oz) - 160
salad - 100
stuffed mushrooms - 125
corn - 65
bread - 50
baked potato - 225
Estimated @ 725
Well, at least it's under 1000 for the day, and I got a little exercise at lunch. :(
After that, I was feeling so down, I even cried. BF said "don't get an eating disorder on me now" HA! Very funny! It's emotional and compulsive eating disorders that got me here in the first place!!
Then I read PrettyWreck's blog. It reminded me that, in the last 5 weeks, I've lost 14lbs. I am making progress. I will not give up. I will reach my goals. I will succeed.
I will pick myself back up every time I fall & never turn my back on my goal.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Holy shit, I have comments
And I just realized it.
WTF?
Thanks for commenting! Sorry I didn't see them before... how odd...Well, I guess the whole blogging thing takes some getting used to. I feel so supported & motivated, seeing that people commented!
Thanks!
So, I weighed myself, and I lost a pound! I probably would have lost more, but well... we fall, we get back up, we fall, we get back up... And that's how we learn. I'm now down to 188 lbs, and that leaves 3 lbs before Goal 1, where I get to buy myself new skivvies.
Yay! I'm going to try to do that in the next week! I can do it! I can do it!
WTF?
Thanks for commenting! Sorry I didn't see them before... how odd...Well, I guess the whole blogging thing takes some getting used to. I feel so supported & motivated, seeing that people commented!
Thanks!
So, I weighed myself, and I lost a pound! I probably would have lost more, but well... we fall, we get back up, we fall, we get back up... And that's how we learn. I'm now down to 188 lbs, and that leaves 3 lbs before Goal 1, where I get to buy myself new skivvies.
Yay! I'm going to try to do that in the next week! I can do it! I can do it!
Weigh In
I'm supposed to weigh in today. I can't decide if I want to do it, so I can assess the damage from Friday night, or if I should completely avoid it and hope for a better result next week... I'm fasting today. I considered doing it yesterday, which would have been a better day, since bf works all day, and wouldn't be around to see me not eat. I had rehearsal last night, though, so it's probably better that I didn't. We'll see what I can get away with tonight. Today it's just water & a bit of coffee. I had some apple cider vinegar in water for "breakfast". I don't think I'll fast tomorrow. It was hard to keep myself from freaking out & eating a bunch after a 48 hour fast last time. I think it would be better if it were either shorter or longer... I have dance class Tuesday night, so I wouldn't be able to not eat before class. Plus, I want to ride my bike to & from class on Tues, and that's 14 miles.
Soanyway... Fasting today, eating tomorrow & hoping for the best with this afternoon's weigh-in.
Some cute reminders of what a cow I am:
Soanyway... Fasting today, eating tomorrow & hoping for the best with this afternoon's weigh-in.
Some cute reminders of what a cow I am:
Sunday, November 15, 2009
fuckfuckfuckfuck
Let's just call Friday night my high calorie day. This is why I can't drink. Even one drink will send me off drinking & eating things that I have NO BUSINESS putting in my mouth. 2 margaritas, 3 vodka on the rocks, 1 scotch, 1 rack of lamb with wild rice, 1 order of french fries from a fast food joint on the way home, and 2 empanadas the next morning for breakfast.
Z
O
M
F
G
I don't know how many calories that is. I don't want to know. I don't ever ever want to know.
Rack of lamb???!!?! french fries????!!!!?!
I don't even eat meat!! When I'm sober, the sight of fried food can send me into a panic attack!!
WTF?!
So I have proven to myself that I simply can't drink. That's how I got so fat in the first place. I worked in a bar, and I would leave the bar all drunk at the end of the night & stop at a nearby fast food restaurant for a snack on the way home. 2 years of that eventually caught up with me, and I got fired for being too fat. (I was a stripper)
Today, calories must stay under 500. And there will be no more slip-ups. Thanksgiving is coming up, and that can be a "free day" to let loose a bit.
RACK OF LAMB??
Z
O
M
F
G
I don't know how many calories that is. I don't want to know. I don't ever ever want to know.
Rack of lamb???!!?! french fries????!!!!?!
I don't even eat meat!! When I'm sober, the sight of fried food can send me into a panic attack!!
WTF?!
So I have proven to myself that I simply can't drink. That's how I got so fat in the first place. I worked in a bar, and I would leave the bar all drunk at the end of the night & stop at a nearby fast food restaurant for a snack on the way home. 2 years of that eventually caught up with me, and I got fired for being too fat. (I was a stripper)
Today, calories must stay under 500. And there will be no more slip-ups. Thanksgiving is coming up, and that can be a "free day" to let loose a bit.
RACK OF LAMB??
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Some success
So, I finally decided to measure myself, to see how progress has gone in that direction.
I lost 1" off of my waist, 1" off of my hips, but GAINED 1" in my thighs????!!! WTF??
I can only assume it's because I've been riding my bike, so I've gained muscle, but that'll be the last fat I lose (first on, last off)
But still.
I fucking hate my thighs. When I get dressed at the gym, and catch a glimpse in the mirror, I get a gag reflex at the sight of my thighs & ass. I fucking hate it. I wish I looked better. All in good time? Why does it take so long? I wish I could afford liposuction. I wish I could just flay off the layers of fat that my depression spent years accumulating. I could count the rings of failure in those layers. Years of bad eating, years of bad choices, no exercise, lack of motivation, depression.
It takes so much to change all those habits, so much to peel off those layers and find the butterfly underneath. A butterfly encased in lard.
I did pretty good yesterday. I ate 3 vegan buffalo wing thingies, at 40 calories each, but I had a super light dinner of some veggies in miso soup, so I think I'm okay.
I took puppy for a run. Well, I tried taking puppy for a run. I'm still working up to running for significant stretches, so we just ran a few blocks at a time. The first two stretches were okay, but the third one was a disaster. He got really excited & started running around me in circles at top speed. I was so afraid he was going to get loose & run into traffic. I basically had to stand there & hold on to the end of the leash for dear life as he orbited me like a freaking comet! Eventually, he calmed down, & we went about our business. I hope I can turn him into a good running partner. He could use the exercise! He's getting chubby!
I lost 1" off of my waist, 1" off of my hips, but GAINED 1" in my thighs????!!! WTF??
I can only assume it's because I've been riding my bike, so I've gained muscle, but that'll be the last fat I lose (first on, last off)
But still.
I fucking hate my thighs. When I get dressed at the gym, and catch a glimpse in the mirror, I get a gag reflex at the sight of my thighs & ass. I fucking hate it. I wish I looked better. All in good time? Why does it take so long? I wish I could afford liposuction. I wish I could just flay off the layers of fat that my depression spent years accumulating. I could count the rings of failure in those layers. Years of bad eating, years of bad choices, no exercise, lack of motivation, depression.
It takes so much to change all those habits, so much to peel off those layers and find the butterfly underneath. A butterfly encased in lard.
I did pretty good yesterday. I ate 3 vegan buffalo wing thingies, at 40 calories each, but I had a super light dinner of some veggies in miso soup, so I think I'm okay.
I took puppy for a run. Well, I tried taking puppy for a run. I'm still working up to running for significant stretches, so we just ran a few blocks at a time. The first two stretches were okay, but the third one was a disaster. He got really excited & started running around me in circles at top speed. I was so afraid he was going to get loose & run into traffic. I basically had to stand there & hold on to the end of the leash for dear life as he orbited me like a freaking comet! Eventually, he calmed down, & we went about our business. I hope I can turn him into a good running partner. He could use the exercise! He's getting chubby!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Nori Maki is My Nemesis
Breaking my fast wasn't a complete failure, but it came close. I knew I had to eat something before class, so I had a salad, 1/2 slice of whole wheat bread with swiss & 4 french fries. I managed to avoid the beer that was looking at me with romantic eyes, and thankfully got away with only the 4 french fries. They are my biggest weakness. I didn't feel too bad about that dinner, considering that I was drenched in sweat after class was over, but then I went home & bf had brought me nori maki & silk nog
zomg
Tiny rice crackers covered in tamari & rolled in seaweed?!??! GIVE THEM TO ME NOW!
200 cals, I'm sure.
Plus a cup of silk nog (90 cals) & a shot of Maker's Mark (?? cals)
I only hope that cals burned in class were enough to balance out that binge. I'll be running on my lunch break for sure, and possibly this evening.
I weighed in at 189 lbs at my doctor's office yesterday afternoon. WTF? 2 days of fasting & not a pound lost?? Whatever. Screw you, scale. I will not be daunted!!!
Today had better be a more controlled day. I had a pretty big breakfast, which is fine, but it's going to have to be celery & coffee for the rest of the day, damnit! Can I get away with no dinner? Bf is back, so probably not. I bought a new salad spinner though, so I think I can get away with salad & it'll be fine.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Fasting Day 1
Well, Day 1 was a piece of cake. I hope Day 2 is as easy. I even met a friend at a coffee shop & just got some tea. As long as I keep drinking water, I don't really get hungry. I don't drink coffee normally, but I'm drinking some before noon, as an appetite supressant. I want to drop at least 4 lbs this week, to reach my next goal of 185 lbs. I can do it!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Embracing Emptiness
I had a pretty good weekend. Kept things under control for the most part. I went a bit overboard at this party on Sunday, where they had cheese & crackers. I don't usually eat cheese, because it makes me sick, but I'm a sucker for the stinky ones... I still think I did okay, considering. This morning, I realized that my bf is going out of town for 2 days, and this would be an ideal time to fast. So, today & tomorrow, nothing but water, maybe some lemon juice or coffee. Before dance class tomorrow night, I'll have some juice so I don't zonk out in the middle. Other than that, it's nothing until Weds.
Today is my weigh-in day. If I haven't lost any weight, I'm going to die. I feel like I have. Looking in the mirror during dance class last night, there is a noticeable difference in my midsection. I just hope that translates into pounds. I hate it when the pounds don't come off, but you just look different. I mean, I don't hate it, I just really need lower numbers on the scale right now to feel motivated. I took some laxatives last night & some triphala this morning. That along with fasting should make a decent weigh-in.
Wish me luck, internets!
UPDATE: I lost four pounds in the last week! Yay! That's enough progress to keep me focused! Fasting is going well. I'm not even really hungry. I could do this forever, I feel so empty & light...
Today is my weigh-in day. If I haven't lost any weight, I'm going to die. I feel like I have. Looking in the mirror during dance class last night, there is a noticeable difference in my midsection. I just hope that translates into pounds. I hate it when the pounds don't come off, but you just look different. I mean, I don't hate it, I just really need lower numbers on the scale right now to feel motivated. I took some laxatives last night & some triphala this morning. That along with fasting should make a decent weigh-in.
Wish me luck, internets!
UPDATE: I lost four pounds in the last week! Yay! That's enough progress to keep me focused! Fasting is going well. I'm not even really hungry. I could do this forever, I feel so empty & light...
Friday, November 6, 2009
bloated
Started my period today & I have this weird feeling of being slightly thinner yet bloated at the same time. I really hope this bloat goes down by Monday, when I weigh in! If I don't see a loss on Monday, I will seriously give up & just eat until I'm 300 lbs.
I did pretty well yesterday. I couldn't fast, because of my tattoo appt. I barely eeked over 1,000 cals, so that's fine. I only got a walk in on the treadmill, but that was still 215 cals burned.
Today, I'm going to run & do some pilates tonight at home. I'll try to keep the cals around 500 for today, because weekends are always rough.
I'll do better this weekend than last weekend, though!!! I have plans to go running on Saturday with a friend, so that'll help. Plus, I have a show coming up, so I'll be rehearsing & choreographing. That'll get me moving & keep me busy.
I wish I could just be happy with who I am. Just own this fat body & love it. But I can't. I tried. I think that's how I got so fat in the first place, trying to be happy with who I am and failing miserably. A friend of mine wants to go out for pizza. Holy. Fuck. What am I supposed to do about this? I can't eat pizza! I can't even think about pizza because the pangs of loss & nostalgia are too much for me... It's to the point where I can't blow her off again. Maybe I can fanagle it so that we go somewhere that has salads.
I did pretty well yesterday. I couldn't fast, because of my tattoo appt. I barely eeked over 1,000 cals, so that's fine. I only got a walk in on the treadmill, but that was still 215 cals burned.
Today, I'm going to run & do some pilates tonight at home. I'll try to keep the cals around 500 for today, because weekends are always rough.
I'll do better this weekend than last weekend, though!!! I have plans to go running on Saturday with a friend, so that'll help. Plus, I have a show coming up, so I'll be rehearsing & choreographing. That'll get me moving & keep me busy.
I wish I could just be happy with who I am. Just own this fat body & love it. But I can't. I tried. I think that's how I got so fat in the first place, trying to be happy with who I am and failing miserably. A friend of mine wants to go out for pizza. Holy. Fuck. What am I supposed to do about this? I can't eat pizza! I can't even think about pizza because the pangs of loss & nostalgia are too much for me... It's to the point where I can't blow her off again. Maybe I can fanagle it so that we go somewhere that has salads.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Celery will save me
I didn't completely blow it yesterday. I was definitely over my intended max calories (1,000), though. I think I stayed below my absolute max (1,500), so that's good. It was a mercy eating, I swear! I didn't think I would be going to my friend's house, so I ate a little something - a piece of sprouted grain bread w/ cream cheese & a cup of brown rice. Then, plans changed at the last minute, and I ended up going. I walked in the door, and she had burgers already prepared, on plates, ready to eat. I didn't know how to say no. I guess it's good that it was whole wheat bread instead of buns? And veggie burgers instead of real? I don't know. I don't feel like a complete failure, but I certainly don't feel like I did my best.
Today, I'm going to eat celery most of the day, and have something around 200 cals before my tattoo appointment. I'm probably going to sit for 2 - 3 hours, and I don't want to pass out!
This eating breakfast thing is really throwing me off. Experts all seem to agree that one of the keys to weight loss is to eat at least 250 calories for breakfast. So, I've been trying to incorporate that into my day. I'm breakfast-skipper, normally (maybe that contributed to the weight gain in the first place?) Anyway, having that many calories that early makes it hard to keep the total for the day under 1,000 sometimes. Like if bf wants to cook. Then I have to eat like nothing during the day, because his food is rich.
Okay, back to work. It's so boring. Obsessing over my food is more interesting.
Today, I'm going to eat celery most of the day, and have something around 200 cals before my tattoo appointment. I'm probably going to sit for 2 - 3 hours, and I don't want to pass out!
This eating breakfast thing is really throwing me off. Experts all seem to agree that one of the keys to weight loss is to eat at least 250 calories for breakfast. So, I've been trying to incorporate that into my day. I'm breakfast-skipper, normally (maybe that contributed to the weight gain in the first place?) Anyway, having that many calories that early makes it hard to keep the total for the day under 1,000 sometimes. Like if bf wants to cook. Then I have to eat like nothing during the day, because his food is rich.
Okay, back to work. It's so boring. Obsessing over my food is more interesting.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Sore
My body is blissfully sore after that crazy bike ride yesterday. I still made it to the gym, though. Despite how hungry I am, I've managed to keep the face-stuffing at a minimum.
I hope the scale tells me what I want to hear on Monday. A loss of AT LEAST two pounds. Hopefully more... I won't fail miserably this weekend. I won't. I'll be strong & keep my binging under control. I can do it.
I can be strong.
I hope the scale tells me what I want to hear on Monday. A loss of AT LEAST two pounds. Hopefully more... I won't fail miserably this weekend. I won't. I'll be strong & keep my binging under control. I can do it.
I can be strong.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Woot!
I rode my bike to class, danced for an hour and rode home! Total calories burned? 1091! Plus, I ran on my lunch break - 350!
Total intake for the day is 850!
I feel great!
Now for a shower...
Total intake for the day is 850!
I feel great!
Now for a shower...
Fallout
Well, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm still at 193. That's actually a .2 lb loss from last Monday. I was expecting to lose at least 2 lbs, but the fact that I didn't gain after my Weekend of Failure is a blessing.
I'm doing great today. I had a 250 cal breakfast & it's been celery sticks all day after that. I bought salad fixin's for dinner, so I should be fine today. I'm going to start fasting once a week. Just a 24 hour water fast every Thursday.
Surely I can manage that?
I have a closet full of 'goal clothes'. I'm trying to pick one thing to look at every day & be inspired to wear. I think it will be this pair of jeans. They're a monstrous size 12, but they are still much smaller than the freakish size 16 I'm wearing now. If I can fit into them, I will feel so inspired to go further!
I'm trying to decide if I have the time to ride my bike to dance class. I'm not sure how long it will take... I could certainly use the exercise, but I really need to get a huge chunk of homework done tonight... Maybe one of my friends can give me a time estimate.
Trying to stay strong. I'm so weak...
I'm doing great today. I had a 250 cal breakfast & it's been celery sticks all day after that. I bought salad fixin's for dinner, so I should be fine today. I'm going to start fasting once a week. Just a 24 hour water fast every Thursday.
Surely I can manage that?
I have a closet full of 'goal clothes'. I'm trying to pick one thing to look at every day & be inspired to wear. I think it will be this pair of jeans. They're a monstrous size 12, but they are still much smaller than the freakish size 16 I'm wearing now. If I can fit into them, I will feel so inspired to go further!
I'm trying to decide if I have the time to ride my bike to dance class. I'm not sure how long it will take... I could certainly use the exercise, but I really need to get a huge chunk of homework done tonight... Maybe one of my friends can give me a time estimate.
Trying to stay strong. I'm so weak...
Monday, November 2, 2009
Crap.
This weekend was rough. Super rough. It wasn't just the potluck at work, or Halloween or just not having the structure of work to keep my natural over-eating inclinations in check... it was everything. I didn't even count calories, because I didn't want to know. Part of the problem is my boyfriend. Well, he's not a problem. He's super supportive & would help me with anything, but he really likes rich food. Sometimes, it's just too much for me to resist. So we made a huge meal on Saturday that included BREAD!!!! omg. Then, I was so depressed on Sunday that I had like a million dark chocolate covered pecans & a slice of pizza WITH CHEESE.
I'm terrified to get on the scale today. Seriously terrified. I need to know what kind of damage I did, but I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
I'm fasting all day on miso soup. I had my probiotic drink (50 cal) & nothing but miso soup for the rest of the day (20 cal per serving). I drank some Triphala before I left for work. Oh, and I had some coffee today - which I don't usually drink. Hopefully the metabolism boost & diuretic will help out with this afternoon's weigh-in.
We'll see.
I didn't even go anywhere for Halloween. I was too embarassed to even try to find a costume that didn't make me look like a cow. I used to be so cute & dress up in sexy costumes all the time. How did I get to this place? How did I get so fat??
Oh, I just remembered that we're going to a friend's house for dinner.... I'm hoping that it will be crowded & nobody will notice that I'm not eating, or that I can get away with nibbling on something tiny or beg off with a 'stomach ache'.
This week will be better. Maybe I'll continue this miso fast all week!
I'm terrified to get on the scale today. Seriously terrified. I need to know what kind of damage I did, but I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
I'm fasting all day on miso soup. I had my probiotic drink (50 cal) & nothing but miso soup for the rest of the day (20 cal per serving). I drank some Triphala before I left for work. Oh, and I had some coffee today - which I don't usually drink. Hopefully the metabolism boost & diuretic will help out with this afternoon's weigh-in.
We'll see.
I didn't even go anywhere for Halloween. I was too embarassed to even try to find a costume that didn't make me look like a cow. I used to be so cute & dress up in sexy costumes all the time. How did I get to this place? How did I get so fat??
Oh, I just remembered that we're going to a friend's house for dinner.... I'm hoping that it will be crowded & nobody will notice that I'm not eating, or that I can get away with nibbling on something tiny or beg off with a 'stomach ache'.
This week will be better. Maybe I'll continue this miso fast all week!
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